Taking a second look at things

It's scary when it seems that the people you know turn out to be people you don't really know after all- the very foundation of a blossoming friendship threatens to collapse... That's why I never believe in any overnight relationship- be it guy-girl or plain friendship. The human being is too complicated a being to be dissected -characteristically- in a jiffy.

I suppose in life, we do more guesswork than knowing the truth. That's somehow the beauty of living in this world; somethings are better left unsaid, unknown, not rationalised completely. Like the change of atmosphere between you and a friend or that untold of infatuation. Some things need time to be revealed and understood, clearing off unfounded conclusions. Some secrets though, feel better to be taken to the grave lest the bubble of fantasy be popped by the needle of reality.

Second guessing whether we've done something wrong or accidentally offended a friend based on how he starts treating us gives chances to the self-fulfilling prophecy to be fulfilled. Who knows we may end up creating animosity for reasons both parties find inconspicuous. Then there goes something that was meant for continuity all in the evil name of ASSUMPTIONS. Never assume. Being blunt can save a relationship [but not too blunt lah, nanti no problem become ada one].

I don't know what's up with TB11 these days [ehem, this semester]. After the climax of our foundation year [semester 2, last sem], it seems we've suddenly become rather disconnected. Maybe some things happened among some of us that go beyond my brain antenna 's coverage. So while I'm trying to figure out this lack of spontaneity and unity in class, I'm trying not to jump to conclusions too. Maybe it's just because we see less of each other with only barely four days of uni to attend this semester.

I don't wish to end our year together the way we began it--as strangers. This is supposed to be a blast, no?

Ah, the screwed up LOL

It's one of those nights when the dark velvet of the night sky seems to reflect my mood. Nothing compliments it better than a blanket of blackness sprinkled with silent glitters. Like a wave of melancholy with a tinge of sweetness. However, that is contrary to what I actually see out of my hostel window, PJ night sky is a stargazer's total nightmare. To see stars here is a rarity. Perhaps even an [almost] impossibility.

There is a part of me that I'm missing. The part that doesn't quite fit into my current circumstances. Life is what you make of it, and I had to put that part of me aside to be more comfortable in my present days.

I miss the sarcastic me, the old humour I developed and honed in high school and seeing the profiles of those [on Friendster] from a time back then had me thinking if it was worth all keeping such a 'me' part away from the scene. Like plucking out the essence of my humour department for storage. Cheese-C and 'la-meh' jokes rule harder these days but I'm surviving well on the occasional pure-breed hilarity.

Then I wondered if it will ever come into use again. If life were so kind as to plant me in the company of like-minded 'Ms and Mr Sarcasticas'...maybe...just maybe, the future ain't that bleak. Hah. I'd love to be around the owners of those profiles on Friendster that I was breezing through but [oh!] high school is way past me.

So I'm in this all-too-familiar pensive mood pondering about how things go [no, sidle] by and feeling mixed-up. Worldly attachments bring me the "What-if's" while acknowledgment of reality tells me that memories are but memories. Life does go on. Just that sometimes we become too busy to notice it and until we do, changes are stark and glaring.

Lesson from my thinking too much: in life exists an inevitable need to adapt [Like me adapting to a different frequency of humour]. C. Darwin concluded: the fittest will survive. And I quite agree. Those who don't should take a hard look at humanity.

Ecstasy

Ecstasy
is when you talk to me
even when I cannot hear you speak

Uncertainty
is all of the one-way greetings
your presence on the other end: not guaranteed

Loyalty
the character of my heart
since the beautiful autumn of that year

Impossibility
rationale of my thoughts
that cruelly analysed the distance and gaps

Contradictory
are my heart and mind
a dreamy hunch against a stack of reasons

Sempiternity
is that of the inspiration
I derived from knowing you

PS: Having met you basically inspired life into the shell I was wandering about in.

O Young One

O young heart,
That loves so blindly,
For this,
Find me a cure.

O young flame,
That dances so brightly,
With this,
Exudes allure.

O young dream,
That floats for eternity,
Of that,
I'm quite sure.

O young mind,
That imagines wildly,
But then,
Take only what's pure.

Some two years back

Nostalgia...

I was trying to read my notes for Monday's test and suddenly I thought of my Form 5 physics teacher, Mr Ung Shih Him. Gee, high school is two years ago. Can you believe it??? Back then when we were trying to screw up time to get past the whole five years and now it feels like ancient history.

Then I remembered Lin, my class partner in everything, who shared so much of high school with me [including describing Mr Ung as a China Doll look-alike, it wasn't meant to insult, he did look somehow adorable with his jet black hair]. It seemed like the two years we spent in the same class would be forever...but before you know it, Lin's finished SAM and is now pursuing Psychology in Australia. I guess that that 'forever' is not enough. I miss her and all my other bosom pals deeply.

My mind flickered back to the present and I pictured my current classmates, comparing them to Lin, KayT and JM. They were two sets of friends. Neither sharing anything the other went through with me. Somehow, at this very moment, I feel myself cherishing the past more than the present. Not because the present sucks...the present is wonderfully decorated with people I have grown to love...but because I realise that all that I'm missing now, I may never come to experience again. Such is my habit of holding on to the things I love so deeply.

Life moves on and changes take place in every aspect of each and everyone's lives. We could never get back those days when we were gossiping about Jason the monkey or laughing out loud or even ponteng-ing classes or the long recesses or Sukhihotu or heart-to hearts or ...the list goes on. All in those formerly boring torquise pinafore, in the compounds of a place we knew so well, in our growth-restricted hairdos.

The nostalgia envelopes me with a tinge of pain mixed with delight. I'm hurt because the twists and turns in life have had me feeling like I'm losing them. I'm glad because it happened. We helped each other grow up and blossom into who we are now.

To Ee Lin, KayT, JM:

Thank you. I'm blessed to have known you all. Wherever our dreams take us from now on, do keep our bond intact. There is no other replica of our friendship, it is unique in itself. I graduated with more than just a certificate and knowledge from books, I graded with friendship. Solid friendship. Some people find it at other stages in life, some are still searching but I found it in you three. Love you guys always! Even if we're all masing-masing too busy with our lives to contact one another that often.

Publicising me?

Ok, first of all, I didn't think it was wise to ever post your thoughts in black and white anywhere potentially public. No matter how funny or interesting or correct. I mean, surely we were born with the ability to think silently for a reason right? That'd be to think in privacy.

However, with time came diaries and journals that let you pour out your sweetest and hardest moments in life or plain crap just to keep a record of your being on earth in case you never make it to superstardom that grants permission for publishing an autobiography. Ok, maybe you needed to write things out so that you don't explode from bottled-up stress or perhaps there's a queer need to update yourself about yourself.

Whatever the reason... we end up with this modern way of recording our lives: Blogs.

So why all the crap? Like I said, some of us just need to jot down our crap. I'm holding membership of that existing but unofficial Crappers Club.

Back to my real reason for blogging. I know I'm a little too shameful to be new to this [the world has been blogging for ages] but hey, everyone's gotta start somewhere... and the difference between me and those long-timers is that I had stubbornly wanted keep my thoughts and bits of life to my brain. Again, I didn't think it wise to publicise your privacy. Still don't but I could share my humour and crap. Call me quaint but that's how I function.

Maybe time'll change me eventually. [yeh?] Just gotta learn the ropes of being public.

Methinks... Blogs are for:

• Keeping my old pals updated about me...distance is nothing with blogs, but computer illiteracy is something.
• Crapping when I've a sudden urge to. [I've probably got a Babble Muse watching over me]
• Entertaining whoever so fortunate to come across Elyxology. [hopefully]
  
• Exercising that writer in me.
• Being random.
• Learning more about this virtual world.
• Putting my knowledge to good use.
  

I would try to be disciplined in terms of blogging...